Hello, how are you…
I am writing after a long time. It’s not that I don’t like writing, but it’s just that I am pretty new to this.
I am a person who gets really bored sometimes very soon to new things. I don’t have the patience to do anything and I am always so anxious.
It’s so difficult to get over this feeling I am damn serious.
I start new things with a high spirit and I end them soon because I feel I am not getting anything from them, financially.
It is actually a difficult task to put out something in front of people that is deep within you. But here it is, it is coming out.
Like every other person, I used to think I was something and I would do something different.
Now I am actually at a point where I wish that let just something happen I am fu**ed.
I feel like I am dying every day. There’s no solution to this problem, except patience. Probably.
Thinking of myself as a bright human is still a big mistake of mine.
I don’t understand what’s my attitude towards my own life. What do I wish for? I don’t wanna quit anything. I am good at sacrificing, but I am bad at adapting to new things.
My mind kills me pretty soon, arguing with me, “What will this give you, look for a new thing”.
I actually like writing, I know this. But then, my mind continuously hits me with a reality check of my age and my position in my career today.
This happens every second, and it’s a non-ending feeling.
I feel this every day, which actually pulls me down from everything.
This feeling of always thinking about the future has killed me. It exhausted me and my mind is totally out of my control today. I don’t know if it was my upbringing or the fact that I have a big responsibility for my family. I wish I could delete this.
This feeling isn’t new. I am 23, and I have been having this feeling for the past 8 years.
Literally nothing heals it, except thinking about the future.
I feel shit. Because I am actually nothing.
I have everything good in my life. Great parents and a sibling. My woman, Rose. I love my family.
The only thing that couldn’t be good is just me.
Only if I could have more patience.
I haven’t left hope. It is still there. But I won’t ignore the fact, that I have been ignoring for years, thinking I am strong, that I am actually tired now.
I am super tired. I always told myself that, I am strong, and this is just the beginning. I should continue, and one day it will happen. But it never happened. I was impatient. Instead of living in the present, I was always thinking about the future.
For most of my life, I have been thinking about my future, rather than working for it. I am not saying I did nothing my whole life. I really did a lot of things, I did really a lot. I am just saying, that I was thinking of the future more than I was working for it.
It is such a poison and I don’t know why it doesn’t end. It never ends. I try so hard, but it’s always there. ALWAYS.
Every other thing reminds me of my future, and I am always anxious about everything.
I wish I could kill my soul one day. Only people like me can know how it feels to have this brain. This stupid brain.
It’s like a drug killing you every day, and it feels so good to consume.
The worst thing is that it cannot be cured by anything to me unless I do something in my life.
Well, I will be doing everything I can. I can’t quit again.
Let’s see what happens.
