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29th January 1942
I am in my bed, waiting for someone to interrupt my thoughts and wake me from this reality, to tell me that I was just dreaming.
I cannot accept this reality right now. What I heard and what Gad made me realize yesterday. He spoke the truth and his words struck me deeply. He spoke something I had been ignoring I guess.
I have been in my bed since yesterday noon. I didn’t go to school today. I couldn’t.
The clock shows the time, 7 o’clock in the evening.
I’ve been wanting to talk to Eva, but she hasn’t shown any sign of wanting to meet for quite some time now. Perhaps she’s upset with me for not returning to her that day.
Damn me!
But am I even deserving? She should not be with a hypocrite like me.
But I guess I should let her decide that.
I made my way to the street outside Eva’s building, to just live the moment when I used to wait for her to come by the window.
I reached there and it was almost 7:30.
It was getting dark, and there was no light turned on, at Eva’s window for obvious reasons.
I’m not going to lie, it was very cold.
I only had one jacket to cover myself which was my father’s. It was big and warm so I took it while heading out from the house.
I sat on the ground against the wall, on the opposite side of the street, so that I could see Eva if she appeared at the window. I waited for her.
I don’t know how long I waited, but I am sure it had been more than an hour when some soldiers walked from one side of the street.
There were two of them. I observed as they shared laughter and conversation. As they approached, their faces became distinct, and I recognized one of them. He was the same soldier who had been with Mr. Wilhelm, the one who had also assaulted my father.
He looked at me and recognized me as well. He came to me.
“What are you doing here kid? Crying for another neighbor now?”, he quipped. At that time I didn’t know what to say. “It’s none of your business,” I said.
He looked at me and his facial expressions became a little angrier. “You’ve been showing too much attitude for a long time now. Perhaps it’s the right time you get punished by someone, so you learn how to talk to your elders.”
He was ready to punch me and I was actually ready to fight him. He made a hard tight fist and lifted it to hit my face, but at that very moment, his co-soldier stopped him by holding his arm.
“Why? You’re showing your strength to a 15-year-old? Come on. Let’s go. We need to wake up early tomorrow. It’s Hitler’s orders.” His co-soldier said.
It was like he saved me. And he held his comrade’s arm and pushed him to continue walking.
Before leaving he asked me, “Who the f*** are you and what are you doing at this time”
I said, “Who are you? I didn’t need your help.” He gave me an expression that I would give to a kid if he would speak something dumb.
And then he just started walking where he was going.
I shouted at him, “I am a 17-year-old!”
He looked back while walking, and I could see what his expressions told me. “I DON’T CARE”
I sat down on the ground again. Looking at the window, I was wondering, how to apologize to her.
I looked at the window for like 30 minutes or so. I started to feel sleepy, and had almost closed my eyes, when someone called my name, “Altan?”
I woke up and with dizziness, I looked to my right.
“Eva”
“Altan? What are you doing here?”
“Eva! Oh my god, I am so dizzy! Eva! I am so sorry for leaving that day. I mean it. I didn’t mean to. Joel ate everything and then-”
“Altan? Hey? It’s okay? I wasn’t even thinking about that!” she said.
“Then why weren’t you coming to the window? You’re lying you were upset with me. Otherwise, you would have!”, I asked.
“Altan! No, it wasn’t that. Just… It’s just my, mother. She isn’t well.”, She said. “And I have to take care of her. I am the only child of hers.”
I asked, “Eva? I am so sorry to hear about that. If you want I can actually bring medicines. I will bring them to you at the right time. I know some good chemist shops from where I can bring medicines.”
“No! no? no… She is actually getting better. It’s already been 5 days. I am sure she will be better tomorrow. And then we can meet again every day”, she said.
“Hey?” I said,
She smiled and said, “Hello”
“Why am I still dizzy as hell? It feels like I am drunk.” I said.
She laughed, “Hahaha, I see”.
And then I remembered something I had been sad about. And I said,
Me: “Eva?”
Eva: “Altan!”
Me: “I don’t know but, I think I don’t deserve you”
Eva: “What do you mean?”
Me: “I am a loser. I cannot be your hero, nor of my parents’. I can’t even save them. I cannot save anyone. I am such a h-”
Eva: “Hypocrite?”
Me: “Ah. Yes”
Eva: “I see. Now you feel like leaving me because you feel like you’re a hypocrite? Or because you can’t do anything about it.
Me: “I mean. Why would you wanna be with a person who just talks and does not do anything? Someone who has a big mouth but not the strength to make things right. Such a ‘nothing’.
She looked at me for a few seconds and then asked,
Eva: “Why did you lie to me?”
Me: “Lied about what?”
Eva: “When you said you can actually make things right?”
Me: “I mean I didn’t say-”
Eva: “Exactly Altan? You didn’t make any fake promises to me. You never lied to me. You were never faking things. You were not speaking big words or anything to make me feel like the world would be alright. Instead, you actually made me feel like you are my home. You made me feel important. You did a lot for me. You did everything you could so that I feel safe, rather than giving me hope by words, you gave me hope by your actions. And you say you didn’t do anything? I would rather believe your actions than your words. You’re right. Because you actually made me feel that way Altan”
Me: “Eva I… I really couldn-”
Eva: “Altan. It’s not that you’re not trying. You’re doing what you can at best for now. Just going to something blindly and making impulsive decisions won’t benefit anyone. Yes, people are dying. Maybe I will as well soon.”
Me: “Eva don’t say that, please. I will not let you”
Eva: “You can’t do anything about it Altan? Nor can I. The thing is, you should have your mind in the right place when you think you want to do something. And you do have yours at the right place. Do not let anyone convince you in this stupidity that you just adjust to the situation and let people rule your rights. Gad is your friend. Not your mind.”
Me: “Eva I know. I promise that I will keep you and my family safe. I will do anything I can to save anyone around me.”
Eva: “No Altan. Please? Don’t promise. That’s not you. I love how you surprise me by just doing things and not by giving me your words. You’re on the right track Altan. Don’t change your path.”
Me: “Eva. I… I… I love…, Wait. Eva?”
She was looking at the stars above in the sky
Eva: “Altan”
Me: “What are you doing here at this time? It’s not safe?”
Eva: “Life is short Altan. You know this dialogue right? We all have heard enough.”
Me: “Eva let’s go from here. Someone can come. Get up”
I held her arm and asked her to stand up so that I could take her to the building.
Eva: “Hey? Don’t pull, sit down for a minute. Nothing will happen.”
She pulled me down on the ground and laughed when I fell.
Me: “That isn’t funny. You pulled me quite hard.”
Eva: “Shush. Look up. How beautiful it is. I don’t get out often to see these stars.”
I was worried that someone would come, so I started looking here and there. Although it was late, someone could really come.
Me: “Eva, listen-”
She looked at me, and she was so close to me, that I could even feel her breaths on my mouth and my lips. She didn’t move, neither did I.
I started to breathe faster. She as well, was breathing deeper but slow. It was like she came close to me on purpose.
I gulped and was just wondering what to do. Right after that she went back a little and held my face with both of her hands.
She said, “Don’t follow Gad’s words. You’re beautiful the way you think and do things.”
I loved this moment. It felt like I was complete.
Suddenly a thought came into my mind. Which made me confused and my eyes widened and suddenly I was in shock. I looked down on the ground.
Eva asked, “Yes Altan. You can ask me that question.”
I looked at Eva and asked, “Eva. How… d-d-did you… How did you know about what Gad told me? I never told you about that! HOW? Wait. Am I dreaming-”
Eva said, “Yes. You are d-”
“ALTAN??!!”, Mr. Abram Savcı, the ice cream guy on the ground floor building woke me up.
“Why are you sleeping here, son? Are you alright? You haven’t been drinking are you?”, He said.
I held my head hard because it was hurting badly! I rubbed my eyes and face. I looked up and it was almost morning. I asked the time from the ice cream man. He told me it was 6:43 a.m.
He told me that I had been sleeping on the footpath. He helped me get up and gave me a glass of water. I was really dizzy. I sneezed hard. And I felt like I had a cold now.
Mr. Savcı said, “Oh boy, who told you to sleep here? You have a cold now. Come in, and I will make you some hot coffee.”
“Oh no, Mr. Savcı, I need to go home, I mean it. I really have to go,” I said.
“Son, you’ll faint on the way. Come in. Just have one cup of coffee, and then you can leave. Drink it before it gets worse,” he urged.
I thought I should just have one cup of coffee before it gets worse.
But in my mind, “Was it a dream? Or was it-”
“Kid just come in will you?!” Mr. Savcı
“Yes yes Mr. Savcı I am coming”
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